I am grateful to know my worth.

It has taken decades for me to get to know myself. For many years, I allowed my value to be defined by my peers. Their acceptance, or lack of it, told me if I was smart enough, pretty enough, cool enough, talented enough, nice enough… “good” enough. I worked tirelessly to earn my worth among the people I interacted with, but I never could get it quite“right.” I stumbled through my youth and young adult life feeling like a piece of a puzzle that had been placed in the wrong box- I didn’t really fit. Initially, these feelings of separation created confusion, and the question that would haunt me for the next 20 years was birthed: “What is wrong with me?” As I searched for the answer to this question, I became increasingly lonely. Eventually, as my loneliness became more and more uncomfortable to live with, I began to pluck at the strings of an emotion that felt much more empowering, and I settled into an anger that shaded decades of my life. For years, I lashed out at the world as I spiraled into the depths of depression, alcoholism, and drug addiction. During this time, the moldable, humble pieces of my soul slowly began to dry up into a parched and desolate landscape. Those lonely, uninhabitable, wilted fragments of my spirit began absorbing all of the nutrients that were nourishing the very essence of who I was until, a little at a time, my once energetic and compassionate heart began to get swallowed up by shadows of uncertainty and feelings of inadequacy. On the outside, I suppose I looked like any other young girl struggling to find her place. But on the inside, the vibrant spirit that had defined me became fractured with anxiety and wrought with depression. Every time I looked in the mirror I became more and more afraid of who looked back at me. In an effort to still the madness that raged within, I sought relief in every wrong way. I looked for it in things, in substances, and in people. It took a long time for me to realize that as long as I was looking for fulfillment outside of myself, I was never going to experience it where it mattered- on the inside. It was at this place in my journey that I believe God began answering the prayers of others in my life and He slowly began to do for me what I could not do for myself. I was no longer able to push aside the destruction I was creating, and, with strength I cannot take credit for, I began to examine what values my life represented. I began to get honest about whether those values spoke truth to who I was at my core. I recognized that I had become someone I did not respect -someone I did not admire. It had nothing to do with the outside world; I simply had to humbly accept that I did not like who I saw in the mirror. With great relief, in that moment, I also realized I was no longer alone in my agonizing pit of despair. I had a redeeming savior who was full of mercy, compassion, and strength. I laid the broken pieces of my spirit at His feet knowing that when we surrender, He promises to create a new spirit within us. He promises to give us a heart capable of feeling peace and harmony. He promises to be the refreshing rain that brings blessing, comfort and growth to the scorched, withered wasteland of a heart that has looked away from Him. In this place of desperate awareness, I turned my face toward Him and as His light shone on all of my weaknesses, mistakes and imperfections, I no longer ignored them or wished they weren’t a part of me. I looked at them absent of judgment and to my redeeming savior I simply said, “I need your help.” And, slowly but surely, that’s what I got. I got His help. He did not do it for me, but He showed me the way, and He gave me the strength to walk it. A little at a time, I quit looking to others to determine if I was living “right.” A step at a time, I began to climb out of the dark, hopeless pit I once thought provided shelter and protection from the harsh world around me. As I emerged into the freeing, bright light of reflection, I knew my gauge for right living would no longer be determined by anything other than my relationship with Jesus, the amount of peace in my heart, and the measure of love in my relationships.

“Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” - Mathew 11:28