I am grateful to know my difference between “right” and “true.”

I heard someone once say, “I have spent my whole life trying to live the right life. Today, I’m much more interested in living the true life.” When I heard that, I couldn’t help but think of a similar sentiment I had stumbled upon, “Why concern yourself with being happy when you could simply try to be normal?” A shocking statement until I realize how much this idea plays out in our world today and how clearly it paints a picture of what our culture values. We are encouraged to look a certain way, act a certain way, and shape our life around other peoples’ ideas. We are told the lie that living by these standards will guarantee our happiness and if we fall short of the mark -if we don’t fit in- well then something is wrong with us and our best course of action is to fall in line and try to be a bit more normal. Little by little, as we engage this way with the world at large, we start to believe that if we do fit in, then we are most certainly living “right.” But what about the pursuit of happiness? Where does that fall into this equation of “right” living? If the pursuit of happiness is called a pursuit because it is a way of traveling and not a destination, then we certainly shouldn’t be measuring our amount of happiness based on how other people are traveling. Living this way, according to the standards presented by the world, is something I have to be very conscious of, and I know I am not alone in confessing that trying to fit the mold did not only fail to bring me happiness, it very nearly killed me…literally.

Today, as a sober woman in recovery, I often think about what recovery truly means. Or, as it were, what does my true life look like? Can I identify my values and am I living by them? The beginning of recovery, for me, was simply about getting sober and no longer using alcohol and drugs as a solution to manage the ups and downs of life. In many circles, recovery is defined as, “Being healed from a hopeless state of mind and body.” If this is true, and it is for me, then if I am in recovery I am pursuing a state of wholeness in mind and body, and that takes consistent effort in maintaining a level of productive self-awareness. Getting to a place where I can identify my behaviors and the feelings that drive them is something I continue to have to practice every day. My relationship with God is the most sure-footed way for me to find self-awareness and then, ultimately, for me to rest in self-awareness. That word, rest, is a word I have been examining as of late. I have come to understand that resting, for me, is what occurs when I cease striving. It is the transition from trying harder and forcing my way, to slowing down and allowing God to direct my steps. Furthermore, it is trusting that my feet will fall on solid ground when my will is in line with His. For most of my life, I would have claimed to be someone who could rest in God’s will for me. What I didn’t realize, however, was that while I was very good at asking for His guidance, I was not always very good at trusting it. I was certain that if my life didn’t measure up to “normal” in whatever capacity, then I must be doing something wrong and I would begin to rearrange the pieces of my life- much like the pieces of a puzzle. I would alter and adjust in an effort to arrange my life in such a way that the elements of it might take on a greater resemblance to those in the world around me. And just like that, all while claiming to be following God’s will, I had fallen into self-will run riot. Each time I readjusted a piece of my life that God had carefully positioned with love and intention, I was creating a shift, however subtle, that would ultimately affect the ease with which all the other pieces could fall into place. As time passed and the pieces had been assembled, even if the pieces appeared to fit reasonably well on the outside, if I had altered and forced even one small element, there was no denying how that crammed fragment, big or small, had evolved into a wrinkle of tension that was evident in every other surrounding piece. It took years for me to learn that the ease with which I live from day to day is measured by how well I allow God to organize the pieces of my puzzle. Today, if I find myself forcing situations or outcomes, instead of convincing myself that I do not have the energy or the time to rearrange that willful element of my life, I slow down, I pause, I back up, and I ask God for redirection. In the past, my cues for this would be external. I would gauge if I was in God’s will based on what was transpiring on the outside. More and more, my cues transpire internally and if I am forcing pieces, I notice it is evident first and foremost in my internal measure of peace. When I experienced this shift in self-awareness -from external to internal- that is when my recovery became indelible. I had experienced more than change; I had experienced transformation. I recognized that I had moved beyond the place where I would wait to make a change until I had to. I began to hear the nudge of God, and I began to trust in His ability to direct the flow of my life before a crisis occurred. The more I focused on allowing Him to put the pieces of my life in the right place, the more I came to understand that I was finally living in my true place.

The world we live in seems very preoccupied with needing to see proof of God before placing faith in Him. We seem to be much more comfortable placing faith in ourselves and our illusion of control. This is so contrary to my understanding of faith despite my being plenty guilty of it myself. What I try to remember, however, is that walking with God is about putting my faith in Him despite my lack of understanding. It’s about trusting even when it makes no sense. It’s about coming to understand that we will never learn how to walk on water if we continue to believe we are safer in the boat. It’s about believing that if I align my will with His, then peace beyond comprehension will abound despite my circumstances because I will be able to rest in the knowledge that I am safe in His will. It is from this place of care and safety that I will experience growth; I will experience healing; I will experience transformation. When I stop trying to seek the way with my eyes, and I begin to feel it with my heart, that is when I know I am headed in the right direction. When my will is aligned with His, when the pieces of my life fit smoothly and with ease, then I can move forward with the blessed assurance that I have finally discovered my true life and, chances are, happiness and rest will be frequent companions along the way.