I am grateful I didn’t miss it.

There are moments in my day when I catch glimpses of my life as though I were looking through a window from my past. I will be experiencing everything in the present moment while also remembering how it once was. It is during these brief winks of time when I am overwhelmed with awareness of what I almost lost and overcome with gratitude that I was spared from knowing that kind of regret.

My son in one of my most frequent reminders of how much I have to be grateful for. He is a phenomenal human being and he’s what I would call an old soul. For someone who is so young, he is mostly very sure of the direction he wants to go. He is purposeful about the choices that he makes and who he allows to influence his steps. He prioritizes a relationship with God, and he keeps the people he loves close. He works hard, loves fiercely, and has a strong moral compass. He is not afraid to speak up when he has been wronged and he has no problem apologizing when the fault is his. He is loyal to those he loves and he is a man of his word. He is someone I respect. He is someone I love. And he is someone I genuinely like. On most days, we understand one another in an effortless way. We laugh together easily and he has been my shoulder to cry on when I have desperately needed a safe and stable hand. When I spend time with him, I always walk away smiling from my heart. He is one of my happiest places and he is my gift- pure and simple. On more than one occasion, as we have been on our way to some random errand or inconsequential adventure, I will catch a glimpse of him and be so amazed and filled with love for the wonderful person he is, and for a brief moment, I will be stark-ravingly aware of just how close I came to missing it all. I almost missed getting to applaud him as he excelled in school and sports. I almost missed getting to offer words of comfort when he was feeling defeated. I almost missed getting to encourage him to pursue his passions. I almost missed getting to see him graduate and grow into the fine young man he is. I almost missed getting to share my faith with him and getting to watch him embark on his own walk with God. I almost missed the cherished experience of getting to talk with him about the mistakes I’ve made and the things I’ve learned along the way. And, perhaps more importantly, I almost missed witnessing the tables turn and getting to learn from him too. When you have a history like mine, I’m not sure it’s possible to completely separate the past from the present. I suppose that’s true for everyone. For me, I am almost always viewing where I am today through the lens of where I was before. Contrary to how that may sound, this is not a morose experience in my opinion. In truth, it is where my deepest sense of gratitude is birthed and where it is given free rein to influence the rest of my life. To hug my son and to recognize that the love that is passed between us is a tangible product of effort and time; to sit at a baseball game and realize what an honor it is to participate in his dream, to talk about God and know that I helped foster his faith, to have him come to me when he needs guidance or help- these are the most valuable moments in my life today and they are what bring the most meaning to my soul. Those moments are the very reason I continue to strive to be the kind of person that people want to love. They are the reason I work to be the best version of myself I can be. They are why I try to focus on what I can give to the world instead of what it should be giving to me. When I look at my son, I don’t see something I did; I see something that I have been allowed to be a part of, and I believe I have been given that privilege because I have purposefully practiced creating a consistent space for him to feel safe, valued, respected, and loved. As a result, I get to participate in the life of an extraordinary young man that I am so blessed to call my son. Sobriety is something I choose every day and the gifts that I experience as a byproduct are things I never could have anticipated. I am a better person because of my son, and I pray he would say the same thing about me. What I know without a doubt, however, is that getting to be a part of his life is something that God intended when I was chosen to be his mom. It is the role that has shaped me in ways I never imagined, and I am so grateful that I didn’t miss it.

“Butterflies have wings so they can fly. Fish have gills, so they can swim. Bunnies have four legs, so they can run. I have a heart, so I can love you.” -Unknown