I am grateful for the ordinary, reliable rhythm of my life.

For many, having the ability to participate in their life might be something they have never really given thought to. But for someone like me, that ability is something I do not take for granted. There were many years when I could not be present in my life. Whether it was because of the paralyzing effects of depression or the high-jacking and relentless obsession of addiction, years of my life felt languid and devoid of connection. Each day, as I took on the responsibilities before me, it was like I was trudging through an ocean of endless mud. I felt exhausted by - and completely inadequate for - the simple tasks ahead of me. As a result, my days were stifled with feelings of failure. In many ways, I felt like I was trapped in a glass box with windows that remained continuously foggy. I could see beautiful colors, though they were muted, and I could hear cheerful noises, though they seemed distant. I longed to be a part of that world but, somehow, I was perpetually separated and detached. There were times when I was convinced I might be emerging from the fog, but, inevitably, I would succumb to the luring pull of the promised, albeit temporary, grand relief of my addiction. Of course, in the wake of this momentary relief, the familiar feeling of failure, shame, and guilt would crash over me, and I would be thrust back into my dismal, obscure state of being. I know many who were never able to break free from this cycle and ultimately lost their battle with addiction and depression. My story, however, does not end here. For reasons I will never know, I was given an opportunity to wipe the haze from the confining walls of my existence so the sunlight could cast its healing, brilliant light upon the dim pallor of my reality. Initially, as my life became alight with awareness, I was overwhelmed with the wreckage I saw and the amount of work I knew I had before me. As I began to set things straight, however, a little at a time I was overcome with gratitude at being given the opportunity to simply right my wrongs. I started each day with the intention of just doing the next indicated thing, and, slowly but surely, my life began to take on new meaning. Where before people had learned that I could not be relied upon, their perspective started to shift, and they slowly began to put their trust in me. Where previously they would be wary of including me, they gradually began to seek out my company. Where they would, in the past, not be interested in my opinion, they became curious about my perspective. And so it was, a little at a time, I was invited back into my life. And then, a few years into my recovery, I hit a place where I began to indulge in self-pity about the mundane tasks that I felt had begun to take up too much of my life. I had responsibilities that began to feel burdensome. I had a full schedule with not enough time to spare. On one particularly hectic day, I remember I had just finished cleaning the floor when I noticed my husband and my son had tracked mud all through the house. I allowed myself to get so irritated. Afterall, did they not realize that I barely had enough time to clean the floor once much less twice? Did they not realize how busy I was? It wasn’t but a few days later that we received a devastating message informing us that one of my son’s friends had committed suicide. It was heart-wrenching, tragic news. I began to pray for the mother of that boy incessantly; I could not let it go. Later that week, as I stumbled upon my son’s shoes that he had carelessly tossed in the hallway, instead of getting frustrated, I broke down in tears of gratitude. I was so thankful that he was safe and healthy and running chaotically though my house. In that moment, I realized that I had forgotten that this life, full of ordinary, mundane chaos, is a gift. I have been given a chance to be a part of all the things that I longed to be a part of during those years that I could not figure out how to break free from my proverbial box of shadows. To get to experience the busy, steady, reliable rhythm of daily life is the very thing I went to bed praying for every night for years. Life is not always everything I want it to be. It can be overwhelming, stressful and can sometimes feel like a chore. But it is mine!!! It is my life, and it is filled with people who love me. People who do not have to wonder if I love them back because today I am present, I am sober, and I am a willing participant in all of the things that make it count. I’m living the dream as they say, and I’m so grateful to get to get to do it all again tomorrow.